its now been more than 2yrs since we moved to AZ and far more that i could ever imagine has happened. We did get our first home shortly after my last blog, and that will always stand out in my time line. It didnt turn out like i though it would. umm ... its alot of work and theirs lots of pressure to make it a home as quickly as possible (im not sure where i felt the pressure coming from but i think it may have been me all along) unfortunately the joy of a "home" wasnt shared between Frank and I in equal amounts. Frank did get the job that changed our futures and definitely reshaped our lives in a very unexpected way. He was awarded employee of the yr and recognized for all his hard work. (he was respected/loved by everyone) I felt like finally everyone could see what i always knew was there. That was an interesting night. Fast forward a few weeks and you can find us in some hard time financially. Our truck broke down and we faced hard times trying to get by. Even in all that we found a way to make the best of it. Making the best of things is a way to come together and finding new ways of making each other happy. Well moving forward in time again and it seem like things are kindda getting harder and it begins to become too much at time. Im faced w/ a lot of insecurities of my own (I begin to make a transition from girl to woman to having the strongest desires of motherhood) this all becomes a bit overwhelming for Frank and im sure at this point he begins to see what would become inevitable. As clueless as I am I continue to live my life just as oblivious as can be. Time keeps on coming and the undertone of a monster making its way into our home begins to show the tip of its head. Frank and I begin to have more of this “talks” that should have a positive out come but eventually grow and escalate to a point of no return. (June 23 of 2008) Frank makes up his mind about leaving and so he does. He leave saying that its only for a week and he will be back to talk on Sat.  but by Thursday I already know when he comes back to talk he will tell me that he will not stay, and once again, so it is. Im now faced w/ the ugliest truth I will always have to live with. My worst fear has just come true and I didn’t even know why. I have to see what’s there and not what I want to believe. I fight for what I believed to be mine and pull strength from the deeply felt love that I have for him. I say what I think he wants me to say, I do what I think he wants me to do, yet nothing brings him back. For days I try everything I can think of, I pretend to be happy being friends (I what him to see how strong I can be) I say things like “its ok” “I’m fine” “yeah just text me” but I know nothing will bring him back. I know his gone because I know him like no one else will ever know him. I even try to use that as a weapon to fight for him, I just cant give up on his love, my true and only love. The days never stop coming and going. As each day came and went still no sign of ever turning back all the damage and pain caused to my hart. Understand that just because I don’t mention all the thoughts that went thru my mind doesn’t mean I wasn’t thinking about it. I know I could have hurt myself in regretful ways. I knew that it wouldn’t bring him back to me by choice. Staying strong was all I could do at this point. Where do I find the strength from? Im not sure if its thru all the prayers or just from deep inside me, perhaps from previous pain and loss. Whatever it may be im thankful for it. Finding that moment of clarity was the most relieving experience. I just needed to be patient and wait for the right time for it to reveal its self. I knew I never wanted to hurt him or hate him in anyway. And after I put it together in my mind I called to tell him so he also could stop hurting.

I wont say what it was because there are things that should never be said, I just hope I did get it right.

Sometime love isn’t all you need.

There will come a time where my feelings will change and all the love I have will slowly resent the rejection, therefore eventually grow to hate. Its why I have to leave. I cant stay and allow all the wonderful memories to be spoiled by the pain and hurt. I cant live hating the one person who once made me so happy and filled me with nothing but love. I know some would say not to run from your fears, but there are fears you need to avoid in order to hold true to who you chose to be. Yes I could stay and show him I can make it on my own but that’s not gonna make any difference in what needs to change.

CHANGE, that’s a key word.

 I’ve never feared change because w/ it comes the chance to make new choices and make a difference in your own life.

I don’t claim to have an answer for every question that enters my head and I still fear a lot of his action, specially the motive behind them. I think I know the man who I shared my life w/ and that’s where that fear comes from. Its because I know that much is that I fear what he does and why he does it.

I cant keep watching my life pass me in slow-motion, I need to make my change happen.

I have to find my way or start looking.

I made the choice to move to be w/ my Chulis in SanFe Mx. and I strongly feel this is my last entry so I need to make sure you know what’s going on. Im not planning to do anything crazy I just don’t think I should come visit this site anymore, it hurts too much right now. I need to get away from all things Frank. He makes it too easy for me to know about him and what he’s doing. What he’s doing hurt too much to know. I don’t like knowing he get to go places and have friends and spends his money and doesn’t have to worry about all the things that hurt me. (yes this is the other side that makes me angry) I have lots of anger. Im very angry. Im so angry it makes me want to cry. It makes me want to hurt me and everyone else that’s around me. Then I stop and think, I see that its not worth it and carry on w/ my day the best I can.

I’ve now been writing this for a few days I try to add the things that I feel in that moment; right now I don’t feel anything.

I think I need to come to my end w/ this, so I leave knowing that I got the chance to tell my story about me and Frank.

Its has been a love story, just not w/ you typical happy ending. Then again we never have been your typical couple.

I’m always going to love Frank. (forever)

hey dear e-diary,

well its not been long since we last talked (that sounds so f'ing gay)  but lots has happend... Frank past his first part of the A+ certification test on 5/29/07 (oops i guess i just forgot to tell you about it) well now his getting ready to past the second half tomorrow, (i hope he does good!)  its just that this means sooo much to us, this can and will change the way our future turns out. i know that he always comes up with a plan B, but this could really help us out.  just like it already did, cuz thanks to him being so smart at comp, he got a REAL NICE PROMO  and yup thats helping us finaly get to the step of buying our first (but only) home.  i cant belive its almost here... im sooo HAPPY! yeah i am a 'lil scared (i keep getting this feeling of cold feet, mainly cuz I was the one ALWAYS pushing for it and what if it doesnt work out and we end up getting in trouble w/ the law or something... Frank is the BEST husband EVER! he WILL do WHATEVER IT TAKES  to get me what i ask for, its why im scared, i feel like its always responsable for whatever bad happends. im just scared, i dont really know what im doing here or why do any of it, well i do know why we should but im still scared hopefully this too will past... QUICKLY and painless! 

whatevers let it be what it will be and go along for the ride, learnd what you need to and keep on going. 

i try to make the right choices for me, but i can only say whats right for me, and hope this is right for the both of us. SACKS!!!

Oh my dog!  i cant get over how fun that party was!  Abe is such a great friend, and i know it wasnt just him but everyone else who made it happend, thank you so much.  Frank and i have a big things comming our way and this was the best thing to kick start it. i just wish i didnt drink to point of getting so dang sick.     oh well you can have everything!  ill miss our friends and all their cazy ways but sometimes you have to be bold and take a step out of the box. i wish we were moving to mexico, i would love to live in San Felipe or  Cancun  or some beachie place like that.  i think it would be kool? 

hey i forgot i had my blog to writte in, i wish i had more time to do things i like to do. like go to VEGAS hell yeah we get to go on Friday the 24th!!!    Sin City HERE I COME!!!  i cant wait cuz its gonna be only us 4, Eric, Sandra, Frank & ME. i just know we are gonna have so much fun!  i also know we will lose so much money but oh well thats what money is for.  i hope i dont lose it all in one night cuz then i wont anything else to do but watch Eric and Sandra lose their money and fight over who spend more. well the hotel does have a real nice pool so i can always spend sometime there  okay well for now i can only guess how much fun we will have, i'll write again once we get back.

today i pay for parting so much ... im sick and i have to work ... but ooh well... im so happy now that Franks b-day surprise party is over and everything worked out so well. Abe was so helpfull in letting us use his house. Betty was just too cool by making the pinata and the boob cake everyone enjoyed. (she gave Frank an nano ipod...thats crazy!!!) im so glad we got to hang w/ Racheal, i sure missed them!  it was also super cool to have all of Franks old high skool buddies there too. like Brett and Ramiro Saul... and so on. i dont know how i got everything down???  i just wanted to do something special for my 'lil suger monkey.... i think everyone should have a surprise party for them. im sure it makes them feel special! and for me it made it so could to give this to him.

It all started when Betty and Vanessa were best friends in High School. After High School, Betty and Vanessa decided to move in together.

Betty then ended up getting "married" (not by law just by exchanging rings) to Ulises. Why not? Everyone else was getting married.

Following Einstein's law of friendship-relativity, the best friend's sluttyness has an inverted relationship with the time it takes to break up your marriage. The sluttyer your best friend is, the sooner your spouse will cheat on you. Keep in mind that this equation has no time limit. Even if your best friend is a stuck-up, church-loving, hypocrite bitch, your spouse will eventually cheat on you. Tmonths = ( 11 - Sluttyness1 to 10 ) 2

Vanessa and Ulises finally decided to get rid of Betty so they could have their love affair. Vanessa stops being Betty's best friend, and Ulises calls her and tells her he never loved her and that he only dated her out of pity. Betty asked him if it was for another woman, but he said no. Two weeks later, Betty got a phone call asking if she had married Ulises (there was a rumor at valley' band room that he got married) but Betty said it was not to her. Later that same person called back and told Betty who he married. But Vanessa had a motive besides prostitution (sex and money). She married Ulises to make her girlfriend Arlene jealous.

Betty decided to move on, but the Vanessa story didn't end there. While Ulises was in the war, Vanessa started cheating on him with Arlene and a dude named Cassey. One day he came home and found her in bed with them both. She said she was just naked together with them. Vanessa and Ulises got divorced a while later. After all, Vanessa had succeeded in making her girlfriend jealous and got back together with her. Also, she had already spent all of Ulises' money and he was no longer of any use to her.

Betty ended up getting married to Fuzzy. He's cool (for real this time). Around the same time a message was left on Betty's answering machine. It was left by dude Cassey saying Ulises needed to talk to her and he left a number. Betty called Ulises to see what he wanted. He said he wanted to take the chance and say he was sorry. Betty told him she forgives his actions but not him. Since he was Fuzzy's friend in high school, she let him talk to fuzzy.

Maybe Ulises didn't like someone else stealing the woman he had left to rot. I guess he got mad at both Betty and Fuzzy for being happy with each other. At Rachel's party last year (Halloween) we saw Gena. She told Betty that Ulises had been talking to her and told her he was not going to rest until he destroyed Betty's marriage to Fuzzy.

This is the part where I sent my first invitation for you to visit my website. I had also sent one to Vanessa, and we started exchanging emails. Click here to read the emails Vanessa sent to Betty and myself. I guess she had no idea that I knew the story Betty told me. Vanessa told me some stuff that Betty didn't know. So I forwarded those emails to Betty. Betty then forwarded them to Ulises to ask if Vanessa was telling the truth. Then Ulises confronted Vanessa about the whole issue. So then Vanessa knew I was forwarding her emails and she got really mad at me, and that's why she called me a two-faced ass clown. I cried the whole night. A two-faced asshole would be great for me. But the clown part really freaked me out! And that's why I can't send any more emails to Vanessa. Love it or hate it, this is all true. This is what I get for trying to be a good friend to Betty. Now I will never get another chance to have sex with Vanessa. Unless Jami becomes her best friend. Then I will be having sex with Vanessa in 1 month.

The last update on Ulises was that he was engaged to Martha Amigon. I believe some people have already "warned" Martha about his past, but it doesn't seem to bother her. It's all good. As long as he doesn't try to break up MY marriage because of this article.

man work sucks! i wish i could just get  $ for free!  hey we have even said anything about our new truck ! so yeah we got a crazy "new to us" truck.  its a 4x4 and we will soon take it on some sweet rides! GOSH! IDIOT!    I like it .. today i did see a better buy that got me thinking maybe we rushed into our buy. but oh well whats done is done!  hehehe!

im so happy now that me and Frank are on our onw! it feels like real  life  ( i love him so much!)

FO SHIZZLE MY NIZZLE

oh Rachel, you let my dirty 'lil monkey put his sticky paws on you big luscious boobs!  well he thanks you! oh yeah i thank Frank for finishing Omars sample website. well he has one more thing to do but thats it maybe you guys will get to see it one day.... shut up Frank!!!  let me finish!!!  he wants me to go to bed so he can do me.  gosh!  so yeah ii found out the "pimp and ho"  party is on! i hope to have lots of fun and sex!  well i have to end my blog cuz Frank wont stop nagging like a bitch!    so till next time lil kitties!

XXXJAMIXXX 

so today is the day after Abe's party. Frank and i should be at a crazy party againg but NO.  we didnt go out anywhere... well maybe to eat but thats it.  it wasnt that bad we had the chance to work on the "backyard" (for like 10 mins)  im hoping to finish this sometime this year! ill ask Frank to put up the pics of when we stated to work.  okay well its late and i have to go sleepy ... soooo ill talk to ya'll later

XXXJAMIXX

I got the pictures from Santa Barbara up on the website. It was nice for the most part. We kicked it at the beach for most of Saturday.

But then there was the time we went hiking and I saw this:

It looks nice in pictures, and it reminds me of camping at Catalina Island when I was a little kid. But we will have to see for ourselves to see if this place is as good as they say it is.

hey this is much better!!!